what is it like?

What is it like to be happy all the time? I have always wondered  how a normal human being could smile and be so happy without worries in the world. People around me act like I'm such a great person, that has a great life, that can always be there when your down... no, I cant have or do any of those things. I have been broken and hurt people. What I do around my friends and family is quite easy; I lie. I lie about being happy and not sad. I do that with a smile and a nod. My Mom might suspect things but she is my mom, she can tell if something is wrong or not. My dad doesn't have a clue because he has never been here. I want that bubbly feeling of happiness in my life, but I just haven't had it yet. Crying myself to sleep at night isn't really something i would call pure joy. Instead I call that depression. Lately I think its been taking over my life, my thoughts, my body, and most importantly my happiness. I don't like getting out of bed in the morning, or even picking up my phone to answer a call (not that many people call me anyways). I hate to feel alone, but that's usually how i want it. Mom is too busy babysitting, my Nana works most of the time, my dad lives far away, and i'm sitting here in my room typing a pointless blog to try and fix myself. When I know reality hits me it all comes crashing down at the end of the day and i have to express my feelings in ways you really shouldn't. The scars on my thighs and arms are just reminders of the past and how it could make me feel alive again. I'm afraid if i go to far but then at the same time i want to go too far. Life sucks and its hard to picture a girl like me being happy in a place so cruel. This world now is screwed up and there is more evil people than good people here. That is not how i want to grow or even how I want my sister too! Its just wrong how places, people, and things just change. I've been  missing this one person lately and I am not sure how much more lonesome moments i can take. I worry about myself sometimes. I get too attached to a person and when they want it to be over, its like I'm over. So.. If your that happy person I described at the beginning, do tell me what it is like to be that way.

Why Can't I Be The Same?

As I look through magazines I often begin to think, why do they make these people or things look a certain way. I am so used to looking at a perfectly shaped body from a model, and thinking that's how we should all look. That's how I should look. In reality, women like that just don't exist. I have always wanted a body that could look as good as the ones in Teen Vogue, Lucky, Glamour, Seventeen Magazine, and yet, I just can't. I could never look like a perfectionist, but that's where I put my foot down and had to tell myself that I look okay no matter what. That was probably the most hardest thing i have ever had to do in life is tell myself i'm okay. I'm so used to people telling me that i should loose weight or i should put makeup on everyday. I thought that was how it would always be in life, being teased. As I got older things got harder and i still continued to look through the magazines and fantasize about being just like them, but the more i told myself to be like them the more my self esteem lowered. Life is hard, I wont lie. My mother would tell me how beautiful i was, but it was as if her words meant nothing anymore. I went to this dark place in my head and would do anything to make myself feel better. I didn't like what i would do to help me feel better, but it did the job. All i will say is, don't hurt yourself, go to someone, don't hold back your life it's way too short for that. Tears would slide down my cheeks at night as i would think about the awful things people would say to me; they would just let the words fly out of their mouth just to hurt me! I- I didn't know how to handle it, i felt like the whole world came crashing down on me and I was the one supposed to die. From the looks of it, i did die-inside. Guidance counselors were trying to help for a while but it all didn't matter anymore. I would often think of death and what it would be like. Would anyone really miss me or would anyone notice? I tried to end it once, but i guess God didn't want me there just yet. I was mad that it didn't work at first but i began to think of the people around me, they might have been crushed if i were to follow through with suicide. I think my friends would miss me more than my family, but i don't want to hurt anyone. That would have been wrong on my part. I continued to hurt myself to feel better but no one knew about it but me. I thought that was the way to go, but it wasn't. Every cut would get a little deeper as i went along. Its hard to cover your arms all the time and tell everyone your okay. I wasn't though; I had to fake smiles and laughs. That was when i figured I had a problem and needed help. It wasn't until a month ago i started excepting myself for who I am. I even met some decent friends and even a lover named nicolas. I think life is going to be better now. I feel better that I shared some of my life, I feel like I can be open with you and myself now. I like feeling. Comment your story below.

Why are we here?

People always wonder why we're here. Is it really because God put us here, or was it our parents that just screwed up and we were an OOPS. I always wonder why i was placed here. My mind sometimes goes to those dark places in the the clouds and sometimes you just can't get out of it. Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me? Today i'm going away with my friend for a week, it will give me time to think and relax by the pool. I need to get away from the gossip, the lies, the betrayal of friends. It would be better that way. I hope to have my mind set on the future from now on. If i ever get to go to my dream college, i can forget about this life and move on to the next. Life is about moving on, right? That is where we have to take it, to the next step and walk ahead and never look back. My sister looks up to me, if you have younger siblings you would understand what kind of motivation that brings to my heart. If i were to let go of my life like i was going too, I would let down my one and only goal in life; that goal is to keep my nine year old sister on the road to success! She will be a professional soccer player, a kids dentist, anything crazy thing she has ever told me she was going to be. That's why I'm here, to listen to her thoughts. I want to have that goal stamped with a golden star to just know i did the right thing to have her in the right place. That is why I'm here. We all have this goal in life that makes us want to move forward. Moving forward can bring you to the good places and then it will bring you to the bad ones. If you are in a good place in life, good job, if you aren't, just move forward. It wont hurt anything but to go to a more happy place and find your goal in life. I had to think deep and hard to figure out why i am here. My goal is my sister, whats yours? comment your road to success story and share what had you keep going. 

December 1st 2013 

My life

Today, I'm having a lazy day,but when I have these days, my mind tends to wander. I think of everything,but it's not always a bad thing. I know how life can be sometimes, and it can just SUCK sometimes. My mom was going to get me a new phone yesterday,but that didn't happen. I was bummed about that ,but whatever. I'm supposed to go to the movies tonight but I don't know how to tell her that i don't have enough cash. I wish I had gotten paid more but all i have is 5 bucks right now. I guess that should be enough for us to pay together. It is kind of embarrassing,plus I hate to ask my mom for money. It makes me feel cheep. I think everyone has had that feeling before and if not, trust me, it will come sometime in your life. I'm sorry this isn't very exciting because I'm not doing anything!! I am venting listening to TKO by Justin Timberlake, I mean that's just what i do, I love music with my heart and I honestly don't know what I would do without music. I usually am sketching in my spare time, I really want to be a fashion designer in N.Y.C. I think that would be the coolest thing ever, but that is a long road to take. I also want to a fashion blogger for Glamour magazine or Seventeen. I think that would seriously be the most awesome thing ever. If you have an idea of the coolest job, comment. My hobbies for me are: golf, sketching, modeling,singing,writing, and I am a photographer. Photography is seriously the best thing ever. I can put all my feelings into a piece of artwork or a picture. If your looking for a way to occupy yourself you should try that. If you want ask me questions so i also know what to write about. Thanks so much!

Why I write

 This blog is mainly about how my day has been and what I did. I used to write in journals, but my mom would read them and that is just invading my privacy. This way she would never know what I write about. If you read what I write and you don't like it, well, you don't have to read it. I'm just putting typing, or writing to satisfy my needs, not necessarily yours but I don't want to be a hard person towards you. I feel that people always judge me and I would love to go to a place where that isn't around.

- Mariah 

 My photography