what is it like?

What is it like to be happy all the time? I have always wondered  how a normal human being could smile and be so happy without worries in the world. People around me act like I'm such a great person, that has a great life, that can always be there when your down... no, I cant have or do any of those things. I have been broken and hurt people. What I do around my friends and family is quite easy; I lie. I lie about being happy and not sad. I do that with a smile and a nod. My Mom might suspect things but she is my mom, she can tell if something is wrong or not. My dad doesn't have a clue because he has never been here. I want that bubbly feeling of happiness in my life, but I just haven't had it yet. Crying myself to sleep at night isn't really something i would call pure joy. Instead I call that depression. Lately I think its been taking over my life, my thoughts, my body, and most importantly my happiness. I don't like getting out of bed in the morning, or even picking up my phone to answer a call (not that many people call me anyways). I hate to feel alone, but that's usually how i want it. Mom is too busy babysitting, my Nana works most of the time, my dad lives far away, and i'm sitting here in my room typing a pointless blog to try and fix myself. When I know reality hits me it all comes crashing down at the end of the day and i have to express my feelings in ways you really shouldn't. The scars on my thighs and arms are just reminders of the past and how it could make me feel alive again. I'm afraid if i go to far but then at the same time i want to go too far. Life sucks and its hard to picture a girl like me being happy in a place so cruel. This world now is screwed up and there is more evil people than good people here. That is not how i want to grow or even how I want my sister too! Its just wrong how places, people, and things just change. I've been  missing this one person lately and I am not sure how much more lonesome moments i can take. I worry about myself sometimes. I get too attached to a person and when they want it to be over, its like I'm over. So.. If your that happy person I described at the beginning, do tell me what it is like to be that way.