Why Can't I Be The Same?

As I look through magazines I often begin to think, why do they make these people or things look a certain way. I am so used to looking at a perfectly shaped body from a model, and thinking that's how we should all look. That's how I should look. In reality, women like that just don't exist. I have always wanted a body that could look as good as the ones in Teen Vogue, Lucky, Glamour, Seventeen Magazine, and yet, I just can't. I could never look like a perfectionist, but that's where I put my foot down and had to tell myself that I look okay no matter what. That was probably the most hardest thing i have ever had to do in life is tell myself i'm okay. I'm so used to people telling me that i should loose weight or i should put makeup on everyday. I thought that was how it would always be in life, being teased. As I got older things got harder and i still continued to look through the magazines and fantasize about being just like them, but the more i told myself to be like them the more my self esteem lowered. Life is hard, I wont lie. My mother would tell me how beautiful i was, but it was as if her words meant nothing anymore. I went to this dark place in my head and would do anything to make myself feel better. I didn't like what i would do to help me feel better, but it did the job. All i will say is, don't hurt yourself, go to someone, don't hold back your life it's way too short for that. Tears would slide down my cheeks at night as i would think about the awful things people would say to me; they would just let the words fly out of their mouth just to hurt me! I- I didn't know how to handle it, i felt like the whole world came crashing down on me and I was the one supposed to die. From the looks of it, i did die-inside. Guidance counselors were trying to help for a while but it all didn't matter anymore. I would often think of death and what it would be like. Would anyone really miss me or would anyone notice? I tried to end it once, but i guess God didn't want me there just yet. I was mad that it didn't work at first but i began to think of the people around me, they might have been crushed if i were to follow through with suicide. I think my friends would miss me more than my family, but i don't want to hurt anyone. That would have been wrong on my part. I continued to hurt myself to feel better but no one knew about it but me. I thought that was the way to go, but it wasn't. Every cut would get a little deeper as i went along. Its hard to cover your arms all the time and tell everyone your okay. I wasn't though; I had to fake smiles and laughs. That was when i figured I had a problem and needed help. It wasn't until a month ago i started excepting myself for who I am. I even met some decent friends and even a lover named nicolas. I think life is going to be better now. I feel better that I shared some of my life, I feel like I can be open with you and myself now. I like feeling. Comment your story below.